Me right now
Year 2 Semester 1 has finally come to an end. I am not really sure what to do.
My motivation to do things is like totally zero.
My passion for calligraphy, losing weight, baking, modelling (maybe) have gone all the way down to zero.
All of this really hit me when I realised that my friends are always doing things I always wanted to do. Getting photoshoot from their peers, going events showing their talents or just as simple as being present for them during situations.
I always which I was just a little bit prettier or unique so people will notice me. But I wasn't always the one. Maybe that's the reason why I started bullying people when I was young? Doing things that I wasn't supposed to do when I was young to attention? Seeing friends around being like happy and successful makes me think about myself. Asking myself when will I be like them? Losing weight being able to be who they are in real life. Yes, I know that they might have parts of their life being shitty too. At least there are still things that can make them proud? Like a simple thing like having a talent or just always having someone to be their side. Sometimes, it's just little things in life that matter, but for me, I feel like things aren't always good.
I am not saying to make people feel bad for me, but is more like I wish I can just get a little attention? or more of like having myself to get more confident. It sucks to be I won't say I am fat but I am very chubby now compare to how I was just 3 years ago. Just scrolling through my photos from Facebook made me ask myself what really happen that causes me to become who I am now. I will kind of admit that I do love food more, but there is something I feel inside me that I have no idea why that caused me to feel shitty every goddamn day.
I feel like the problem I have now is that I am waiting for the opportunity to come towards me than getting it myself. I see all my friends having the greatest opportunity to do things they wanted/ just things that they will never expect to do. I wish I get this opportunity too but sadly I don't. I do want to step up my game but I am always waiting for things to happen then I will do something about it. I guess this is to tell me that I need to just do what I want and not just wait for things to happen.
leen.
My motivation to do things is like totally zero.
My passion for calligraphy, losing weight, baking, modelling (maybe) have gone all the way down to zero.
All of this really hit me when I realised that my friends are always doing things I always wanted to do. Getting photoshoot from their peers, going events showing their talents or just as simple as being present for them during situations.
I always which I was just a little bit prettier or unique so people will notice me. But I wasn't always the one. Maybe that's the reason why I started bullying people when I was young? Doing things that I wasn't supposed to do when I was young to attention? Seeing friends around being like happy and successful makes me think about myself. Asking myself when will I be like them? Losing weight being able to be who they are in real life. Yes, I know that they might have parts of their life being shitty too. At least there are still things that can make them proud? Like a simple thing like having a talent or just always having someone to be their side. Sometimes, it's just little things in life that matter, but for me, I feel like things aren't always good.
I am not saying to make people feel bad for me, but is more like I wish I can just get a little attention? or more of like having myself to get more confident. It sucks to be I won't say I am fat but I am very chubby now compare to how I was just 3 years ago. Just scrolling through my photos from Facebook made me ask myself what really happen that causes me to become who I am now. I will kind of admit that I do love food more, but there is something I feel inside me that I have no idea why that caused me to feel shitty every goddamn day.
I feel like the problem I have now is that I am waiting for the opportunity to come towards me than getting it myself. I see all my friends having the greatest opportunity to do things they wanted/ just things that they will never expect to do. I wish I get this opportunity too but sadly I don't. I do want to step up my game but I am always waiting for things to happen then I will do something about it. I guess this is to tell me that I need to just do what I want and not just wait for things to happen.
leen.
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