Week 1 of Year 2

Week 1 is finally over and I’m already dragging myself to school. Thinking about when will holiday starts and when the work will stop coming in.

I ask around my friends about hows first week of school. Most of them replied so far so good. I was definitely super jealous and I thought to myself why am I not even happy in life. I smile cause I have to, I wake up to go to school because I just have to continue studying to earn money I need to survive. It makes me more depressed that I’m not enjoying my life now, even eating which what I enjoy last time became just a habit where I have to eat cause I’m hungry. I kind of find my life quite meaningless. I do tell people around me that my life sucks but I’m still smiling like everything in my world is perfectly fine. But inside of my body, I hate the fact that I exist in this world.

I’m not sure why but these few days I kept thinking about leadership. I always wanted to be able to take charge for something in one way or another but is mostly I don’t volunteer myself, I mean I don’t look like a person that people would want me to get that role. I wish just somehow one person can see that I am capable of doing things like others too. But even if people might notice it but I’m not doing anything. I guess we are in a world that we are just afraid to be who we really are and be open about what we want. I generally know that I’m a person that doesn’t stand out the crowd as I’m super afraid to get judged by people, but the fact that we know that it is a natural thing that humans do as to protect themselves or to start a conversation with someone. 

I just only wish I could have the opportunity but sadly I’m always right down at the bottom where is dark and quiet where nobody knows where I am in the world.